Yes! It is possible, usual, and normal, for a Narcissist to take all of the steps necessary, to assume a believable, powerful persona, of someone that they are not! They are expert, pathological liars, that will say and do anything, to cover up the truth of what they really are. Sometimes they come from damaged family backgrounds. Sometimes, they are spoiled, rotten brats. Sometimes, there is no reason for them to act the way that they do. The “sense of entitlement” of a Narcissist drives them to do whatever they want, to whomever they want, to achieve a sense of superiority, and acceptance, in their conception of reality.
For this reason, here is my most important advice to you! Do a background check on this person before you get too involved, especially when you’re talking about the The Three M’S; MONEY, MOVING IN TOGETHER, & MARRIAGE! If you’re talking about your future, you have the right to know about their past, and present life. Ask for, or obtain his/her SS#, and Drivers’ license # (better yet, a copy of the ID). See if they have aliases, criminal history,ex-wives, current wives, children, and mental problems. Run a credit report on them. Go to the County Records, and pull up everything you can find with their name on it (you can do some of this online). And, even after that , DIG DEEPER! I didn’t find out, until we were separated after seven years of living together, that my ex husband had been involved in 62 lawsuits (YES, SIXTY TWO), that I was not even aware of, BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED!!! He was a professional litigator, without an attorney’s license! Hope this helps you feel a little bit better. I, at least, deserve a free dunce cap.
The Narcissistic Ex and Lies on the witness stand.
It’s been a while since this blog was updated, due to the fact that court has been in session! What was supposed to be a 2-3 day trial, ended up taking 5-6 days and is still not over. It has been interesting to say the least. Since my narc ex is the petitioner in this divorce, it is basically “His” case to bring. And what a mess it has been. Narc’s attorney is an old has-been, who is known for his loose canon approach to family law. He is held in low opinion by nearly everyone who works with him in the court…. abusive, demeaning and irreverent, he wastes so much time and money that in over a weeks worth of trial, with over 1400 pages of transcripts and yet I have NOT EVEN TESTIFIED YET!
The funny part has been watching Narc as he wiggles, squirms and lies out his ass on the stand. We have a private judge, so the courtroom is really a conference room at my attorney’s office. When narc is talking you would think the world is listening. Most amazing to me has been how selective his memory as become… and how he smile and looks down and to the left when asked a question by my attorney that he knows he has to lie on the answer. One day in fact it became so apparent that we talked about it during break.
Too bad his lies are now starting to backfire on him. That’s the narcissists curse. They do whatever they can to keep the image and the limelight as long as possible, and now it is coming back to bite this narcissistic bastard in the butt. Will give details to you later on what he has done and how we are planning on trapping him in court, but I see only more lies from him as he tries to dodge the oncoming train bearing down on him like a bullet.
Yes…. in answer to your question, the narcissist is the central figure in a trial, and they relish the opportunity at self-grandeur. Give a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder enough rope and they most certainly try to make a fashion statement with it as they convince you it looks great around YOUR neck… just refuse to wear it and continue to feed their ego by telling them how great they look in “Manila Rope”!
Interesting observation about the narcissist and his abilities in court. The very pinnacle of achievement for the narcissistic personality is to represent themselves in court. True they may not always win, but the sheer exhilaration of the stage, what with the bailiff, the opposing counsel, the judge, the court reporter, the court clerk and his entourage in tow… waiting breathlessly for his “part” to be played. It was amazing to say the least. And with numerous court appearance under his belt, reading like some Hollywood gossip column from a less than prime time part of Los Angeles, the Narcissist (Narc) plays the same part over and over and over. Just to a different audience each time.
This narcissist is smooth, composed and un-phased by truth. In fact, the lines and more importantly HIS lines and look are the only things that matter to him. Justice is not even on the menu… never was and never will be. It’s all about him.
Depending upon the day, he may be composed and calculating, and then again he may go off as if driven by some mad avenger! This day was one of the more composed plays in his repertoire. And rightfully so as the narcissist in him had been dealt a slight blow a few days prior when his efforts in a deposition turned on him, providing little of use, and exposing his failings in divulging known facts to his own attorney. Funny to watch the results when the narcissist is spanked by his own lawyer! Quite a treat, really.
In the end, this day in court ended as many do – with a stale mate and a compromise. More time on the ticket to be battered and abused by the insidious efforts to control his ex, but his days are numbered in this game and with this company of players, and he knows it. As the noose tightens around narc’s neck, his narcissistic efforts seem subdued. But NO ONE involved in this charade of his takes any breathers or rest, as we know only too well that this narcissist is one calculating bastard, capable of selling his children and his soul just to taste the blood of his ex.
The end is near, at least for the legal portions of this adventure, but certainly NOT for the documenting and cataloging of the experience here in this blog, for all the world to read!
Dealing with a Narcissist in Court and the Narcissistic Ex
I had to go to court again this week , for at least the thirteenth time to defend myself for false claims that X made using the police department, and the County’s District Attorney. This has been another way that X has been able to control me, even during the time that we were legally separated and divorced. I had no idea that X was a professional litigator when we got married. Actually, X pressured me into an elopement during a romantic trip, right after the 9/11 attack on our Country.X was a genius at taking advantage of horrible and sensitive situations in order to convince me (“convince” is another word for “LIE “ in the Narst vocabulary) to do things that I wouldn’t have normally done.
It wasn’t until my “involuntary separation”, i.e. a shocking trip for me to jail (I’ll write about that later) that I found out, through my attorney, that X had already been involved in 65 lawsuits; 30 that X initiated . I could have looked this information up in the county records online while we were dating, but that thought never even crossed my mind. X truly had me convinced that “The Knight in Shining Armour”, blah, blah, blah, was really here. I was the Princess, and “Happily Ever After “was really gonna happen.
Just a note on the “involuntary separation”(I.S.) ; two weeks before the I.S., X sent me a very shocking and impersonal EMAIL stating that X wanted a divorce because “he was sorry that it wasn’t working out” and I should move. I was stunned, and actually thought it was a joke. I had never before received an email from X, so I thought this was kind of funny. That same night X came home from wherever X had been, and while undressing in our bedroom and trying to initiate some hot marital sex,asked if I had received and read” THE EMAIL” (probably written by his secretary,) that X sent to dictate my future. UNBELIEVABLE!!!! X was serious about this, and told me that I should leave the house because 1) X’s daughter was living with us, and it was a hardship for them to move because she needed to have our address to remain in her current school(LIE!!!) and 2) daughter couldn’t stay with her mother because daughter and X had established with the School system and CPS that her mother had a drug problem.
Well,I didn’t want to move. X decided that he would make me move by calling police with false allegations. I went to jail, and never was allowed back in my own house. Thank God, I can laugh about that now, and thank you God for finding a way for me to get the hell out of there.
Below is a great article, published by SPARC, and referenced below:
“For all of you who are facing your Narcissist ex-spouse in court, here are a few pointers to help your side gain the advantage. Following that is some further advice from an attorney.
The Narcissist In Court
A clear distinction has to be made between the FACTUAL pillar and the PSYCHOLOGICAL pillar of any cross-examination or deposition of a Narcissist.
It is essential to be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information. The reason is that narcissists are superhuman in their capacity to distort reality by offering highly “plausible” alternative scenarios which fit all the facts.
It is very easy to break a narcissist – even a well trained and prepared one.
Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds irresistible:
Any statement or fact which seems to contradict his or her inflated perception of his grandiose self.
Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of “talents and skills” which the narcissist fantasizes that he or she possesses, any hint that he or she is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party.
Any positioning of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others.
Any intimation that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, or a victim.
The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he or she had no conscious intention of exposing.
The narcissist will also react with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his or her entitlement.
Narcissists believe that they are so unique and that their lives are so cosmically significant that others should defer to their needs and cater to their every whim without question. The narcissist feels entitled to special treatment by unique individuals, over and above the regular “bloke”.
ANY insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.
ADD to this a negation of the narcissist’s sense of entitlement – and the combustion is inevitable.
Tell the narcissist:
that he or she does not deserve the best treatment,
that his or her needs are not everyone elses priority,
that he or she is boring,
that his or her needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist),
that he or she and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged,
that he or she will do what he is told,
that his or her temper tantrums will not be tolerated,
that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his or her inflated sense of self, etc.
When approached in this manner, this will cause the narcissist to lose control the majority of the time.
Remember, the narcissist believes that he or she is the cleverest, far above the madding crowd. If contradicted, exposed, humiliated, berated (“you are not as intelligent as you think you are”, “who is -really- behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don’t seem to have”, “so, you have no formal education”, “you are (mistake his age, make him much older)… sorry, you are …old” “what did you do in your life? did you study? do you have a degree? did you ever establish or run a business?” “would your children share your view that you are a good father?” “you were last seen with a Mrs. … who is (suppressed grin) a DOMESTIC (in demeaning disbelief))”, a narcissist will stand the chance of losing it.
I know that many of these questions cannot be asked outright in a court of law. But you CAN hurl these sentences at him during the breaks, inadvertently during the examination or during the deposition phase, etc.
The following is from an attorney who learned about Narcissism prior to his divorce and was thereby able to have his attorney provoke the Narcissist to totally lose it on the stand:
I am an attorney and have recently gone through and finished a divorce with my ex-Narcissist spouse. I also had my deposition taken (I have taken many myself. I hereby offer you some gratuitous legal and strategic advice which should be no means conflict with whatever your attorney tells you. Not knowing which state you live in, it is impossible for me to offer any kind of specific legal advice, and it would be improper for me to do so anyway. I scored a perfect “100″ in my deposition taken by my Narcissist-ex and lawyer. I adhered to the following rules:
1.Never look at the Narcissist. The lack of attention will be very upsetting to the Narcissist. It is a kind of narcissistic injury. Do not acknowledge their existence.
2.Whether their lawyer believes their BS is irrelevant. There is an old reworked saying – “Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a Narcissist scorned”. The lawyer may try to rattle you or make you uncomfortable. Ignore such attempts. Remain calm, cool and professional and answer all questions honestly and slowly. Give your lawyer time to object before you answer.
3.Most Important!! ALWAYS tell the truth even if you think an answer to a question will make you look foolish, silly, or anything else. Do not attempt to explain your answers to make them sound better. Keep your answers brief and to the point. Do not ramble or tell stories.
Regarding Depositions: Just remember that the purpose of a deposition is not to change anyone’s mind. The purpose of a deposition is to “freeze” your testimony in writing so that any change or departure at trial can be used to hang you. That is why it is so important to tell the simple truth and not to embellish. Do not try to prove yourself right or Narcissist wrong. Just remember – if you lie, you die!
The time and place to deal with the Narcissist is in the courtroom. Let your lawyer do his job. Family law judges are disgustingly used to the lying and emotionality that goes along with divorces. You must at all costs wear the white gloves and do nothing to indicate to the judge that you are sneaky or vengeful.
To summarize the most important advice:
The real trick to beating a Narcissist in Court is twofold in nature.
FIRST: To catch them in a lie when they are on the stand is sublime.
But, you must have ABSOLUTE, INCONTROVERTIBLE proof of the lie, proof that is admissible in court by rules of evidence or by unassailable testimony. When confronted with the impeaching evidence, a Narcissist will react with fury, more lying (which will be visible to everyone except the Narcissist) and will in general actively discredit themselves.
SECOND: The second part of the process is more subtle. If possible, your counsel should structure the cross-examination of the Narcissist to bring out and allow the Narcissist to magnify his or her grandiose self. It is often enough just to let the Narcissist be himself or herself. Emotionally-healthy individuals can generally see through the false self and discern the true motives of the Narcissist.
Remember, though, at the end of the day, family law courts are generally not interested in the emotional aspects of your divorce. Most states are “no fault” divorce states, and even though judges are people and have emotions, generally they are interested in numbers and custody issues. Judges do tend to ignore all the drama, but if you can get a Narcissist to lie under oath and properly expose them, this will have a bearing on the witness’ credibility with the judge.
That is why it SO important for us to tell the truth at all times no matter how foolish we may think we look AND for us to conduct ourselves in a Calm, Rational and Dignified manner.”
I’m in my 10th year of this process, and there are so many, many, aspects that I deal with everyday of my life. I can only write this in pieces; from the now, to the past, and back again, because that is the only way that I can deal with and remember what has become a seemingly, never-ending nightmare.
Yesterday, I had to go to court again, for a temporary restraining order (TRO) that my ex concocted, using his child, to have me removed from my own house, over 3 years ago. The person that I saw in the courtroom was an evil caricature of the person that I fell in love with over 11 years ago. For that reason, I will now refer to my ex husband, as “X”. I’ve developed a way to see X as unhuman (my word, probably not in Webster’s) , and inhuman. That is what X is. Pure and simple, there is nothing normal or human about him. No human feelings, no human passion, no remorse, no regret, no soul………no nothing.
I will be back to talk about the courtroom experience. This can be exhausting at times. I have been dragged though the “Justice System” by X for so many years now that I’m finally becoming immune to all of it. X is extremely litigious and VERY PROUD of the seventy five+ lawsuits that he has either initiated, or been involved in, and has threatened me with X’s experience in legal manipulation to “take me down” if I ever left. Pretty scary stuff for me. I’ve never even thought of calling 911 except in a life or death emergency. X uses 911 as a personal phone number to create very calculated false police records to use against me in court. I was never even contacted by the police after X filed some of his reports, and had no idea that these reports even existed. Every report against me was has been false and ridiculous. I have many witnesses, in each and every false report that X filed, that can, and will stand up for me. Does that matter? I don’t know anymore. Enough for now.